I think it was Jeff Foxworthy that once said, "you don't have to be from the south to be a redneck... but it helps." Which brings to mind the question of the day, are rednecks just bred that way or are we born into it like the king of England. While they take part in 2PM teatime with their pinky's extended, we are left to lay in the red mud with our overalls on, changing our U-joints. Many people who live south of the Mason-Dixon line have never considered the way we eat, live, speak, and even attend church is unique. As long as we continue to live in our southern bubbles "down here" few of us will realize how we operate makes us foreign in thought to most other American citizens. It usually takes someone from the North-East to point how different we are which usually provokes us into calling them Yankees. This isn't a new thing, it's how we show our destain for them without taking a shot at them, literally. Never forget how southerners love their feuds. In the south we like to use phrases like "fixing to" and "round tuit" which will usually cause someone from Connecticut to look at us like we have lost our minds. If you really want to confuse a Yank, ask him if he has ever tried Chicken Fried Steak. Then proceed to perplex him further by explaining that it is not chicken, it's not fried, and it isn't even necessarily steak. This makes the term CFS essentially just another confusing Oklahoma acronym. At least it isn't steak in the literal sense of the word, calling cubed steak "STEAK" is essentially culinary blasphemy. Any meat that has to be ponded in submission with a metal hammer to that degree before it becomes edible cannot be considered real food.
Now on to the weather in the south, which readily confuses people who are not from here. People from the northeastern seaboard and California are confused by our Oklahoma weather protocol for tornados, and they should be. Down here when the tornado sirens blow, we don't take shelter in our hidey holes as instructed, we grab a bug zapper, a lawn chair, and a six pack and head for the front porch. Consider it a redneck sporting event. Although it should be pointed out that most Southers don't know how to trap cold water lobsters either, so for every ying there is still a yang. Besides, we wouldn't be satisfied unless we could noodle them.
Have you ever asked someone from Oregon if they have tried a Cheri Mash? There is no sense in asking, they won't have a clue what you are talking about. In order to add insult to injury, here in the south we chase our candy bars with Dr. Pepper. That is why diabetes is rampant down here. That and the sweet tea we tend to drink by the bucket loads tend to have our physicians shaking their heads in disbelief. We cannot own all of these nutritional pitfalls, much of it is learned behavior. Okies are by no means eating the south beach diet. While it is true we might die SOONER we might also die happier. Sausage gravy (which I will not eat) I still maintain is food of the Gods. It's a bit like smoking three packs of cigarettes per day. While I will never join you in your bad habit, I'll always support you in killing yourself any way you see fit. After all, it's YOUR life. This unbiased point of view squares right along with our southern hospitality. If excessive calories and bad habits really are king, then we are killing ourselves slowly with massive amounts of refined sugar, a syringe full of insulin, and one non-filtered Camel at a time. If you still maintain that cancer sticks won't kill you, you are lying through that hole in your trachea.
People in places like Minnesota know what it feels like to milk cows when it is fifty below. But they might struggle to figure out what Alan Jackson meant when he sang "Way down yonder on the Chattahoochee, it gets hotter than a hoochie koochie." In the deep south we understand that the possibility of dying of humidity is a very real thing. We understand that prying your burnt legs off of a hot vinyl car seat in July is a game changer. It might even help separate the men from the boys. I find it both humorous and entertaining what separates the kids from the adults in height of summer. Kid's run around on hot evenings with the occasional popsicle hanging out of their pie holes (sweat notwithstanding) gathering lightning bugs for their Mason jars. Adults on the other hand just sit in air-conditioned rooms and complain about the heat. It wasn't really that many years ago since my grandparents considered A/C a luxury they refused to pay for. That's hard to imagine now, I believe I'd rather be without heat in winter given the choice. And while a swamp cooler may not exactly be high class it beats the hell out of nothing.
So, I leave you today with my top 10 ideas that make Southerns unique, and our feet nailed to the red dirt:
#10) Not all BBQ is created equal; I think that statement speaks for itself.
#9) Telling off other people's kids when they are pitching a fit is totally acceptable. No apologies necessary.
#8) Talking and being polite to strangers who are pleasant is not strange, it's normal.
#7) Honey, sugar, dumplin', and pumpkin while used in everyday conversation is not referring to food contrary to popular belief.
#6) Beans, cornbread, and grits are southern food staples. They also have grits up north, but up there they call it polenta.
#5) Down here we understand that Moonshine, Moon Pies, and Moon Berries are not part of the constellations, it's something you consume.
#4) We understand that they only two acceptable ways to prepare okra is fried and put into a gumbo.
#3) Most of us have seen the practice of passing around a rattle snake in Sunday school but abstain from the activity. While I take a hard pass on that I do understand the premise.
#2) We automatically know that Piggly Wiggly was not a bedtime story.
#1) We all know beyond the shadow of a doubt that anything dipped in batter and deep fried can be made edible.
*BONUS: We recognize that the practice of adding a stick of butter to any food that seems questionable was popularized by Paula Deen, but the original idea belongs to granny.
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